I got on to tumblr for all the wrong reasons. Porn, which I stopped when I saw how wrong that was and then stalking, obsessed and addicted over an angel. It was easy being anonymous and never showing my identity, but now I need to stop.
However I also need to apologise for being such an obsessive fuck. I am truly sorry for making the angel feel so uncomfortable. I will not be following or reblogging again which is pretty easy since this is the last blog on here. I was going to deactivate but have decided to leave this as a reminder to myself of why not to blog. There are also posts on here that I really enjoy and do express parts of my personality which I may come back to reblog.
Next time I start a blog, I promise myself not to be anonymous and to deal with my own shit. I think at my age I should not be having these crushes and grow up a fair bit. Can’t blame being constantly depressed for decades as an ongoing excuse for immaturity.
Why don’t I simply change the name and anonymity of this blog? Good question but it comes down to something quite ephemeral. I started this blog for the wrong reasons and there would be, in my mind, the constant feeling of wrongness associated with it and some of the posts I have done. It’s better for me to make a clean break.
I do enjoy being on tumblr and seeing how people deal with the struggles in their lifes’. I wish something like this had been around when I was a teenager and felt so alone. I possibly wouldn’t have been so messed up now. There’s a bunch of fascinating people out here as well as some really deeply disturbed ones which has the odd effect of making me feel better about my own shit. I’m nowhere as bad as them!
Slowly getting over my obsession, don’t think everything is about me anymore, life is good… sucks… just average…
Not really getting over obsessing about angel, but I know it’s wrong and going nowhere, big age gap and she really isn’t attracted to me, so that’s a positive thought on my part. I am really extremely immature!
Stalking her blog when she’s horny doesn’t make my life any easier. Nor does seeing her everyday at work. Finding someone with a slightly skew whiff way of looking at the world is incredible. Not being able to develop any kind of a relationship because I’m an ancient creep is one of life’s ironies, karma something… If I wasn’t such a rationalist I would believe that we were together in past lives and I fucked up big time to go through such exquisite torture. Doesn’t help when she starts talking about her moist box and using double entrende’s though. Ah well back to fantasy and masturbation. Such is the lowness of my life. This is the only thing I’m posting and I’m getting new followers. Weird. And it’s about to get weirder.
Why must I do such stupid things?
It’s still true. (And I said a lot of other sensible things in the essay it links to.)